In my opinion, postpartum depression has always been an obvious affect of motherhood in the infancy years because-
A. You are so tired
B. It is a major life transition with lots of unexpected hardships
C. Your hormones are crazy
D. Motherhood can be incredibly isolating
E. You are so tired! (worth saying twice, because having babies = no sleep!)
So I've always thought, duh! What doctors call "Postpartum Depression" is really just the affect that having a baby has on your life.
Boy was I wrong. Yes there is the normal exhaustion that accompanies these precious newborns but postpartum depression is something more.
Six weeks after Emmy was born I can remember sobbing and screaming at Mike because he went to play hockey with his friends. Something I had told him I was fine with beforehand. But while he was out, Emmy cried and cried and I seriously freaked out. I called him in a rage, yelling, "What is this? The 1950's? Why on Earth am I home holding this baby while you're out with your friends? I can't believe I married the most selfish person on the planet!"
I was a lot of fun to be around that year.
My mental health after with Mack was born was a little worse, I constantly felt overwhelmed but I attributed my tears and anxiety to the stress of having two small children.
However after having Archer, something was different. I cried, A LOT, over small, insignificant things I do not cry over usually. I also felt an abnormal amount of shame and guilt. Now I'm the first to say that I'm not a perfect mom! But I do not "wallow" in my imperfections, spending chunks of time mentally beating myself up for my shortcomings. I try to see my failures as a natural part of parenting and trust God to give my kids what they really need when I fall short.
But 5-6 months after I had Archer, a fleeting thought started coming into my brain. At first it was once a month, then I started thinking it once a week. Then it became once a day. And the thought was, "I am such a bad mom, my kids would be better off without me. I am such a bad wife, my husband would be better off without me."
This really scared me. Even though I am surrounded by people who encourage me and tell me I'm a great mom, these thoughts kept running through my head. My kids and husband seem to adore me (like 75% of the time) I am not prone to self-loathing, so I knew something was terribly wrong.
I googled the symptoms for postpartum depression and saw, "feelings of guilt and shame" at the top of the list. One of the ways I could also tell something was wrong was that Archer was sleeping more, pretty much through the night most nights yet I felt unusually tired. Things that wouldn't normally upset me made me want to lay under the covers and cry. I missed a friend's wedding and cried for days. I got snappy with a family member and said something I later regretted. I couldn't rebound from relational issues and stewed over every little thing. I constantly felt on edge.
Overall, I felt terribly trapped by my children and surroundings. I felt faraway from the person I used to be (jokingly referring to myself "as a shell of the woman I once was" to my husband). I felt isolated and misunderstood. I felt like I would never be able to enjoy things again. I felt unable to handle my life and constantly like I didn't have a capacity to take on the daily things I had to engage in for basic survival.
Then when my son was six months old, I got pregnant again.
Ha! But thankfully I also started to seek help. I found a wonderful Christian counselor in our area, and GET THIS, the receptionist offered to watch my kids in the waiting room during my session. Other times I relied on my neighbors or paid a sitter to watch my kids so I could go. It was a commitment and an investment, but it made a huge difference in my life.
The BIGGEST thing that started to help me feel relief was telling a few people that I was struggling. I mean, I thought it had been obvious. Especially to my husband. But I forget how much I internalize things and a lot can go unnoticed when you have three small children running around. So one night I told Michal alllll the things I had been thinking. The sadness I felt laying around me like a heavy blanket. The anxiety I felt over my children's safety that made my heart and thoughts race at night (I was starting to not even want to get in the car some days out of fear we'd be in an accident). The feelings that maybe my family would be better with a more capable mom- a bonus if she was better looking because I just couldn't shed that 3rd baby weight (crazy thoughts, I know).
And trickiest of all-- I shared with him the feeling that I was carrying these burdens alone, isolated with my runaway thoughts and the emotions I felt unable to keep in check. A couple of times I forced myself to say aloud the words: "I am depressed" aloud to a few friends-- mostly over the phone because that is my reality these days-- and it is amazing the power of confession. It can be so healing for the soul.
I didn't instantly feel better, there were a lot of ups and downs. A major downer was when my midwife told me that postpartum depression typically gets worse with each child you have. I cried for a long time when I found that out. But the counselor I saw really understood me and was able to give me a few suggestions that helped me based on my personality. And I'm trying not to have this post all wrapped up in a nice tidy bow-- because mental health issues rarely end that way-- but I can say my mental recovery from having Charlie was better than any of my previous three experiences.
I hesitate to share these, because everyone needs different things and everyone's personally and body are wired so differently, but these are a few small things that helped me significantly--
Plan something to look forward to every month after baby is born-- I love hosting people and I love traveling. Before Charlie was born, I had scheduled a visitor or a special outing every month. It helped break up the routine of taking care of a newborn. If that is overwhelming to you, don't do it! Only put on the schedule things and people that you KNOW will be refreshing to you and not draining. This is a season of life where you can't do things out of guilt or obligation, you need to put yourself first.
Taking my vitamins-- My midwife group encouraged me to start some anxiety/depression mediations while pregnant. I am DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY pro medicine. In my case, I tried a high dose of vitamins recommended to me by my midwife and counselor and didn't need the medication. If my symptoms continued or got worse, I was all ready to start something that would specifically target the places in my brain that needed help.
Regular commitments-- I joined a Bible study that met on Saturday mornings. I opened up to these women about my struggle and they really rallied around me. Once Charlie was born, it was harder for me to get there but just knowing these women were praying for me gave me a lot of encouragement. Some women need to pause their schedule after a baby is born but I've learned that I need a few scheduled things to get me out of the house.
Exercise-- even just short little walks helped me. We joined a YMCA and I went for a month or two but of course we paid for it for like twenty! Sometimes I would youtube a quick yoga video. Whatever, but the benefits of exercise makes a big difference for a lot of people.
I hope that if you get postpartum depression, you have people to talk to about it. You can always e-mail me. Now that Charlie is 20 months old, I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. My kids can all play together for big chunks of time. People are coloring on the walls a little bit less. It no longer stresses me out to run errands or even go out to eat with all four kids.
I have so much hope for you, friend.
There is no shadow God cannot light up: and even though some of us shoulder these mental health burdens throughout our lives, we can help one another carry them.
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