God is with you in Every Season

The first night we moved into this house, I could barely sleep. Looking out our window into the July night, I saw hundreds of fireflies flickering in the forest. I could hear a far off train whistle blow. Instantly the verse came into my mind, "The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places... I will praise the Lord... even at night, my heart instructs me."

Our house on one of MANY snowy days!

This house in the woods holds many sweet memories

Living in a small town has rebuilt our family's foundation. For the first time in five years, Mike came home every night. Not being close to amenities or family gave our family one option in our free time: each other. We brought home two beautiful baby boys.

But these years have also broken my heart in the best of ways. I have never experienced depression or loneliness the way I did in this home in the woods. I cried in every corner of this sweet house. A hundred times I told Michal, "I don't feel like myself. I feel lost here. I wish I had friends."

I have never been one to choose a word of the year (this is a thing. I promise. Other Christians do it). But in 2017 I chose the word "hope" to be something I focused on in my prayer times. That entire year, hope felt like the furthest thing in the world. I studied it, I asked God to give me more of it, but I did not feel it. I felt stuck, like our life here would not change.

I feel bad complaining about these things because I know that most people have more difficult circumstances than me. My family is together. My kids are healthy. Our home is safe. But loneliness is a sickness of the heart and it affected me in a deep way. 

So after 11 months of praying for hope, I felt none. And in November I can remember having the daily thought, "I hate my life."  My mind was a steady soundtrack of negativity and hopelessness.

I have a wonderful counselor I started meeting with when I had postpartum depression after Archer was born. Talking to her and Michal about these thoughts helped me immensely. There is no magic formula, but suddenly, hope broke my hard heart. December 2017 our circumstances were the same but I felt so much hope for the first time in years. I began to understand that God IS hope. Peter calls Jesus "the living hope" and I can honestly say that this Spring I have been experiencing that on a daily basis.

We are moving this week and ironically I have made so many friends in this town the past few months. New neighbors have moved in and I've connected with parents of my kids' friends. It took us hours and lots of tears as we drove around saying good-bye to people that have showed up for my family in a hundred different ways.

This season has had a full-circle completeness about it. There was so much joy in the midst of suffering. Light broke through my little darkness. Just like it always does.

If you are struggling, keep moving forward. If there is darkness in your life, choose the things that turn on the light. If you are hopeless, there is only one place deep, abiding hope is found. Read the bible. Ask God to show you true hope. I just cannot imagine life without it.

I know that a change of circumstances will not bring me endless joy or peace. It is great that God is providing our family a fresh start in Des Moines but it's not going to fix all our problems. In this world, we will have trouble. That's an actual promise from God, too.

The lessons God taught me in this season have changed my heart in deep lasting ways. I will remember every little way God showed up for me. My faith is deeper because of the years it wavered. My hope is stronger because it felt absent for so long.

This morning the boxes are packed and the movers are coming in a few hours. There is not enough coffee in the world to get me through this day! Archer only has one shoe and I can't find my wedding rings. Where would I have packed them? WHY would I have packed them? Boo!

Instead of emptying out my fridge, I am sitting here shedding a few tears for my friends who are suffering. I am praying for them and that a little light breaks through their darkness like it did for me. There is so much pain and loss in this world. In my short, wobbly, life experience, I can say of the best things, "I learned it in the night."

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams

"Weeping may last through the night but joy comes in the morning" -Psalm 30:5

"I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is.
So I say, 'My splendor is gone
and all that I had hoped from the Lord.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love
we are not consumed.
For His compassions NEVER fail.
They are new every morning;
great is YOUR faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for Him.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him."
-Lamentations 3:20-26