How Over-Spending Affects our Marriage Part I

My dear friend Brittany and I were sitting in my kitchen one day, laughing about our love for shopping, our
recent marriages, and our anxiety when our husbands' quiz us on our credit card purchases. (Sidenote: When Hubby sits me down to ask me about the credit card statement, I handle it in one of two ways:
1. I remove myself as quickly as possible: "I hear a baby crying," "I have to poop," "I forgot to tell you I am on my way out the door for something we urgently need or we will all die."
2. I ask him to go over it with me in the kitchen so I can finish making him the potato skins/nachos/something-wrapped-in-bacon I was just in the middle of whipping up.)
Anyways, Brittany told me this story about her friend, and I think about it often. Every since this gal- we'll call her Shelia- and her husband got married, Shelia had done the grocery shopping. And Shelia's husband must not have asked many questions, or perhaps had never bought any groceries himself, because Shelia purchased a $50 Nordstrom's gift card for herself every time she grocery shopped. Now we all know how this works, it's genius really, because when you purchase a different merchant's gift card from that display of cards near the check-out at the store, it all goes on the grocery bill. So Shelia's husband just thought groceries always cost their family $X...And he was none the wiser that she built up quite the shopping fund to spend when Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale rolled around each July. Brilliant! And also, very sneaky.

One of the reasons it was easy for me to decide to do this spending fast was all the ways I knew it would benefit my marriage. Hubby and I talk about money often. There are a few major aspect of how we relate to each other and our spending that we are starting to work on.

1. Deceit verses Honesty.

When we were first married, I worked at Von Maur. I shopped almost every day. It became second nature to leave my shopping bags in the car when I got home from work. I didn't feel like I was lying, it just felt easier than answering questions. It also didn't seem sneaky to store them under the bed in the guest room.

Now that we share credit cards (we pay them off in full each month, but are thinking about doing away with them all together... more on that to come) we hold one another accountable. There is a level of trust, and we don't grill each other on every purchase but if someone gets out of hand we can talk about it without making anyone feel guilty... because we both know we make mistakes.

2. Selfishness verses Generosity.

One trap we have fallen into in our marriage is trying to match each other's spending. For instance, if Hubby has purchased something expensive for hunting (the black hole of all hobbies), then I feel justified to purchase something equally expensive for myself. This leads to the inevitable argument that of course it's alright that I bought that ridiculously expensive pair of heels because you bought a new fishing pole... and it's okay that I buy lattes because you buy Gatorade... and it's okay that I bought a new sectional because you bought a new gun safe... and it can go on, and on, and on.

We have decided to become a team in our spending. I don't understand his obsession with all things hunting/hockey/ruining work boots and he doesn't understand my obsession with all things decorating/Whole Foods/clothes I see on Pinterest. So let's agree to disagree but also to move on and stop fighting over who gets to be the most selfish each month (he recently told me he is doing the spending fast too).

We are looking at ways we can be more generous. I have so much to say on this, I don't even know where to start. But it breaks my heart the billions of basic, human needs that go unmet every day. If we can give up a little to give to people who need it, done, done and done. I'm sure you feel the same way too. Not everyone needs to do a spending fast though, this is just where we're at.

There is a time for fast and a time for feast, and in the Van Iten household we have been feasting for far too long.

3. Anxiety verses Joy.

There is a lot of struggle to be found in marriage. Having kids has brought us closer together in ways I never thought possible. But it has also dramatically exposed our differences and the learning curve came sharp and quick. We struggle to spend time together, real quality time, and when we do, I don't want it to be spent arguing about money.

Also, I don't know about you, but I feel a great deal of anxiety when I spend more than I should. There are lots of reasons that is, but one is that I respect my husband and how hard he works to provide for us. I remember a little old lady shopping in my department when I worked retail, she passed up buying an expensive blouse saying, "No, my husband works too hard for me to spend money on that." Yikes. That is super convicting.

I want our money to bring us joy as a couple, not to be something we're enslaved to. Sometimes it seems like we give life to our money, letting it dictate what we do and don't do. We want to be able to enjoy life, one another, and what God has given us.

So I hope that if you're single, you can glean something from this (buy lots of things before you get married and someone makes you stop ;) and if you're married I would love to hear things that have helped you! We are definitely at the beginning of this journey and can use all the love and support we can get...