15 Minutes

When I was pregnant with my first child, Emmy, I was set on having a natural childbirth, without drugs.

How fun! What a great idea.

I had wonderful books and support given to me throughout my pregnancy, from my friend Erica, from another who is a midwife, and my mom's bestie, a doula. None of these ladies were with me during the actual childbirth but their advice made my first labor and delivery one of those surreal, amazing experiences making that the FIRST and LAST time in my life that my hopes and expectations lined up!

One of the many, many, MANY pieces of advice I learned during that first pregnancy was from another mom at church who had just had a baby. She said that if you want to have a drugless childbirth, every time you want the epidural, just wait 15 minutes.

She pointed out that as your pain throughout labor increases, your body struggles to manage that pain. Those are the unbearable moments. But as you endure through the pain, your body learns to cope with it. So every time I wanted that epidural, I looked at the clock and said, okay, I will wait 15 minutes and see if my body copes.

And it did. Every time.

I loved that labor, the elation I felt when I held that baby was incredible and my body felt oddly terrific. None of these things happened with my next three births, but that one was this sweet memory to me of how sometimes in life, everything goes well. I walked into the hospital that morning and had a nurse who was supportive and encouraging about drugless childbirth, my labor went quickly, it was all remarkable.

I have some crazy stories on how the next three labors were NOTHING LIKE THIS ONE and with my fourth, Charlie, I was sobbing, hunched over clinging to the hospital bed and waiting the longest THREE MINUTES OF MY LIFE for the anesthesiologist to arrive. So please don't hear me say that I am superwoman or that I am pro drugless childbirth because duh, a thousand little things happen to make labor and delivery not go as we hope and plan.

Such is life.

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am to a little voice crying out from their room. I ignored it a few times because I knew if I actually got out of bed, it was game over, no more sleep for me, but after a few minutes it was clear this person needed their Mama. I went in expecting a wet bed or a need for cough medicine.

Nope, just a declaration: "my penis hurts."

Um, okay, there is nothing I can do to help you. Here is your blanket. See you in 4 hours.

I couldn't go back to sleep as all the anxieties and worries about parenting, work, Christmas, friendships, worries about people I know who are struggling assailed me. Thankfully I know where to go, and I came downstairs with my Bible and a cup of coffee.

I was reminded once again, as I always, always am in these moments, that when life is hard and overwhelming, just wait. I prayed and asked God to help increase my capacity to handle the hard things of life. They're not going away. So how do I endure? He can give me what I need to feel peace and joy in the midst of ALL things.

It doesn't mean to take on more than you can carry, it just means that when the load gets so heavy that you feel like you can't move another inch, there is a place for you to lay it down and rest.

"Come to me, all ye who are weary and heavy laden..."

Sigh, how weary are you? Are you burdened this December? There is a place to rest. A quiet place to find hope.

I remember the days when the kids were smaller, like a minute ago, and I spent most of my day inside moving from one minor catastrophe to the next. My entire day was spent feeding people, wiping their crumbs, wiping their bottoms, moving piles of messes from one room to the next, drinking coffee, and... watching the clock. As little disasters erupted throughout the house, there were times I felt so lonely and overwhelmed. Do you know what practical thing I did, several times a day?

I looked at the clock. When I was making dinner in a room piled with dishes and one child holding my leg and one child on my hip and two children in the next room fighting, I looked at the clock. And I thought to myself: "Okay, this feels REALLY hard right now. I don't think I can do this. But I will wait 15 minutes and see if things get better." Sometimes I said aloud: "God I FEEL like I cannot do this. But all I need to do is stay present in this moment and love these people. Please help me."

Now I definitely had children that could throw tantrums a LOT longer than 15 minutes -- do you know that every day when my youngest son Charlie wakes up from his nap, he cries for an hour and a half? Every day! He still does it! Is it a weird red-head thing? I don't know! I had giant spills on the kitchen floor that took me longer than 15 minutes to clean up-- like the time Archer dumped out 3 lbs of jasmine rice-- some days it just felt like I watched that clock alllll dayyyyy lonnnnggg until 7 or 8 at night when Michal came home.

But for real, moms of little kids or people who feel like you can't get through whatever season you're in, put on your favorite song, light a candle, phone a friend, make a cup of coffee, you know what to do. My strongest seasons of faith haven't been the ones where I saw amazing change, or miracles, or easy, free living. They best ones have been the ones where I am sitting there, watching the clock. Watching Heaven, waiting for an answer and often, not hearing much of anything.

There are seasons where all I can do is sit on the couch, look at the ceiling and say: I am in pain, I am suffering, where are You and what will You do here?

The answer comes eventually, as it always, always does. One time it took 11 months! 11 months of waiting and asking God for hope and peace when I felt none. But that is not long compared to the years and lifetimes that I know others have had to wait.

Sometimes it's 15 minutes, sometimes it's your life on Earth, but if you wait, He will give you what you need. He knows you better than anyone, loves you best of all, and he has what you need. Look at the clock and hang in there, dear friend.

"But as struggle increased, Grace abounded more and more" -Romans 5:20

"I remember my bitterness and my suffering, but this I call to mind, therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails" -Lamentations 3

"He is before ALL things and IN HIM ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER" -Colossians 1:17

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will rejoice over you with singing. He will quiet you with His love" -Zephaniah 3:17

"Come to ME, all who are weary and burdened... and I will give you rest." Jesus, Matthew 11:28