Have Hope, New Mama

My word for 2017 was "hope." I knew I was having a baby towards the end of last January, and knowing my bent towards discouragement the first few months of adjusting to a newborn, I wanted to have hope. I needed hope. Hope was like my lifeline.

When Emmy was born, a friend gave me the best perspective, "The first three months are the hardest, hang in there." I kept that in mind as I rocked my daughter all hours of the night, researched acid reflux, and called the doctor about weird colored poop. My friend was totally right. Every month thereafter, things got easier and easier as we adjusted to this new baby and parenthood.

Mike and I holding our daughter, Emmy

Then when she was around 6 months old, we found out we were pregnant with Mack. Because we wanted to have a big family, we thought this was totally normal, until we started telling people and they were all super surprised. Even the people with 5+ kids thought we were nuts!

A few months into my pregnancy, Mike got assigned to a new project and we moved. It was then I realllly needed hope. Never have I felt more discouraged than I did during that season of Motherhood. It felt like the dirty diapers, the messy counters, the toys strewn across the floor would never end. I started to believe: "This is it. Forever I will be picking up after these little people, feeling lonely and not like myself at all. This is the end of "Fun Ally," she is dead and all these kids killed her!" This is the season of my life where I googled, "Can a baby die from crying?" (Emmy) and then a few months later "can a baby die from not sleeping?" (Mack)

I even began to blame my husband, basically accusing him of kidnapping me and moving me somewhere I hated and impregnating me with these needy little people!

The only thing about me that didn't seem depleted was my dramatic nature.

Emmy meets Mack! photo credit: Katie Evans Photography

Now that we have four littles, I honestly have more hope about Motherhood than I ever have before. It's not that I'm so good at it. It still takes me two weeks to fold and put away a single load of laundry. Yesterday we planned to leave for the gym at 8 am, but somehow when I started the car, the clock read 9:30.  We are ALMOST late to school every day. A lot of days at 2 pm it suddenly dawns on me that I will have to feed 6 people for dinner that night. And by the time I cook dinner and fill water glasses and get everyone the right color of fork, I usually hide and eat my dinner separately from my kids just because I need a few minutes alone!

Mack & Emmy trying not to drop Archie! photo credit: Abby Jane Galleries

So Super Mom, I am not. The change I've experienced in my approach to parenting comes from perspective. Now I know the secret-- all the hard things end. Sometimes they are replaced by different hard things. Like now instead of pulling everything out of the pantry, Archer can reach the fridge and "pour himself a glass of milk." And instead of chasing his brother around with a hairbrush, he can stab him in the back with a butter knife. But really, the little things that your toddlers start doing and you think to yourself, "What fresh hell is this?!" They eventually end.

The spitting up stops, then so do the tantrums, the night terrors, and the wetting the bed. You learn how to handle the crazy fits in the check-out line at Target. I told my sister that I always look like a sociopath, totally detached from my off-spring, chit-chatting with the cashier while a child arches his back and throws things out of the cart. Smile and nod, smile and nod. One day you realize you have been sitting for fifteen minutes, and nobody bit their sister or stubbed their toe for the thousandth time. You can suddenly go to the bathroom alone or take a shower without little eyes watching you and asking twenty questions about the female anatomy.

And the other great thing that you can have hope in, is that you will find yourself in Motherhood. I promise. It took me two years to reorient and emerge from the ashes of the newborn phase--and I think that is weird and abnormal, I am not a quick learner. I bet you'll be way faster!

There is so much that you lose when you have a baby. You lose your social life, your freedom, your hot bod, your personal space. For me, I felt for a long time like the best parts of me were gone, I can remember using the phrase to Mike often, "I am a shell of the woman I once was!" Again, so dramatic. But it really, really felt true.

Emmy adores brother Charlie Bennett, Mack & Archer could care less
photo credit: Haverlee Colyer

We all would agree when we first hold that new baby, the gains are insurmountable. No skinny jeans could ever feel as good as the feeling I get when I snuggle a little toddler wearing fleece onesie pajamas. There are a hundred things you lose when you have a baby but a million things you gain. Including a new version of you. She's not as glamorous, but she gets super amped when a new Disney movie shows up on the tv guide so she can record it for her kids. She might not have a perfect body, but she is killing that pot roast recipe. She doesn't have an organized house, but her kids know when they crawl into her lap there is endless space for them-- in her home and in her heart.

So if you are feeling like Motherhood isn't all you thought it would be, and you're discouraged and alone and feeling not like yourself, just hang in there until tomorrow. Find friends that will tell you this season isn't forever. Hang out with moms who have older kids who look at your kids and say, "aw, my kids used to do that too!" Replace that mean, negative voice in your head with an encouraging, nice one. Since it's just me and the kiddos most of the time, I am famous for walking around my house, picking up poopy diapers and scrubbing mashed sweet potato out of the hardwoods repeating to myself in a sing-songy voice, "this is fine! Everything is fine! You're doing a great job today, Mama!" And at the end of the day, there is freedom to tell your husband you hate it, cry on his shoulder, ask him to pray for you, then wake up the next day and find the good again. I promise you it's there.