How One Thing Saved My Motherhood, But Is Now Hurting It

In the past week I discovered what's now my favorite song, started a list of books to read for 2018, tried a recipe that my family loved, stuck by a list of cold remedies and beat out the virus that was attacking us, tried a weight loss challenge that seems to be working, got a great tip that helped me address a difficult behavior in my son, and made a new friend. All these things came from the great wide world of Social Media.

Social Media has been a dear friend to me these past six years of parenting. I specifically remember a season where my husband worked seven days a week and I had two young children. Any parent who spends their weekends solo with kids knows that this is one of the hardest times to have your spouse away. Taking kids to church alone, not having anyone to call, walking your neighborhood on a Saturday when everyone else is home with their families, all feel especially isolating. This is when I discovered Instagram. I began sharing posts and following along like-minded mamas and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. Even though there were days I didn't talk to another adult, people's comments or messages encouraged my heart and kept me going through a hard season. I am so thankful for Instagram-- in all its white kitchen glory.

Because of Facebook, I have started and succeeded in two businesses that have provided for my family. I have learned of my friends' engagements, marriages, pregnancies, and beautiful children. Often my news source, I can honestly say my opinion on the last election was shaped through articles and thoughtful insight shared by my friends (I am not joking here, I am connected to some smart and kind people, the rest... unfollowed!) I bought a mattress that a friend raved about and planned a trip based on a friend's post. I found people struggling that my husband and I supported financially and in prayer. I cried through stories shared about sick kids and babies lost. I saw pictures of people I hadn't seen in fifteen, twenty years, and felt connected to them as they shared their lives. I am so thankful for Facebook-- in all its politically skewed, ad ridden glory.

I can't imagine what it was like to navigate through parenting before social media. I constantly crowd source for the best sleep tips or sippy cup choices. A hundred times this year I have read something someone shared and saw myself and my own struggles in their words. I have read articles about strengthening my marriage during this stressful season. There are a hundred thousand me toos out there reminding us we're not alone.

I began to lean heavily on social media each time I had a baby and was up all hours of the night. Sitting there in that rocking chair, I could scroll through my phone as the countless minutes spent nursing added up. Then those minutes on my phone carried from night to day, feeling too tired to read a book and not having enough time to watch a tv show, my phone provided entertainment, a break, a connection to the outside world during these intense newborn and toddler years.

For a long time, my kids never seemed to notice my phone. They knew that when I pointed it at them they were to smile and collectively shout, "CHEESE!" I didn't feel like my phone distracted me from loving my kids well. I made a point to put it away when my kids were talking to me, telling me their rambling stories I made eye contact with them instead of checking my e-mail. I only laid on the couch and gave it my full attention if they were napping or supposed to be resting. There are often days where I set my phone up on a shelf and don't look at it for hours. I frequently encourage myself to go from 9-5 without checking social media.

But this winter, my dependency on it has gotten worse as I am bored and seeking distraction. I have caught myself absently nodding as kids to me while I watched someone's Instagram Stories or check my likes from a post I published earlier that day. 

And as my kids are growing, my oldest is six now, they are starting to call me out. "Mommy is always on her phone," I heard my daughter say last week. My oldest son made a paper smart phone this weekend and spent two days texting his friends and jokingly telling me, "Hold on a minute" when I asked them something. My toddler has a green lego he calls his phone and sleeps with it under his pillow "like mama does."

My husband has been challenging me for quite a while now. For most of our eight years of marriage he has had the most basic phone available; not interested in apps, texting or social media he saw no use for a smart phone. His choice is economical too-- every six months or so he loses it under some machinery and has dropped several into the river while working!

When his company upgraded their phone plan it actually became more expensive to get a flip phone so he got his first fancy device. He immediately became hooked on playing Yahtzee with his friends and it drove me crazy! I hated talking to someone who was looking at their phone. I hated how he filled every empty space in our lives with that dang black box instead of seeking connection with me. Suddenly I realized how HE had been feeling the last six years! I honestly didn't listen to him because I thought I was better than most people. I never looked at it in a restaurant and if he was talking to me, I'd set my phone down and fight to be present. But the problem was if we were in the same room or driving in the car and he wasn't talking to me, I felt justified picking it up and looking there for conversation. We are really struggling to invest in our marriage right now, more than ever we're failing to connect. I finally see things from his perspective and am ready for a change for our family.

My phone has been great to me, it has given me countless connections during a really lonely season. But right now, I need real life friends. Instead of entertainment, I need nourishment. I've noticed that instead of walking away from time on Social Media feeling encouraged, I actually feel more empty. And instead of engaging with strangers, I need to engage with my family. I have often had the thought, "I don't want my kids to look back on these years and picture me on my phone." 

Honestly, I am nervous about taking a break from social media. I go to bed with my husband early every evening but as a night owl, I spend one to two hours on my phone before I'm ready to fall asleep. But I am hopeful because of the convictions I feel, I'll be able to stay disciplined to disconnecting for the next forty days. My faith doesn't require me to observe Lent, but I love removing things from my life and to hear more of God in the extra quiet. I listened to this wonderful podcast and am reading this book. My heart is stirred. It is time for a change. I'll still be blogging and sharing those post to Facebook but I won't be there to reply to comments.

Lastly, I hope nobody feels like I am judging others for their relationship to Social Media. I think there are times where it's great and times where it's harmful. Thanks for your support and understanding!